7/0817

Well here I am in Ct and there it goes big crush.  I am not very good at this family social this time
wiyh bee
ing handi apped.. 😿😿
I let everyone down around me  just had to let out the deep secret in my heart how much it hurts that they all hate me..  I try year and they try and with that I get angry at there hatred and tell myself not to be bothered.. now here it is 10 yrs hidden in nc  no friends.. sick only  jesus knows know whats going to become of me and paul...  I failed miserably as a human..  so god sorry jesus mary  and family.. sorry to myself.. it just survival... day by day.. I will pray for healing praise yu I pray.

springtime

Birds are chirping cheek cheek chicka chicka chicka chicka chicka chicka surrounded by a new greenery fallen wondrous trees making a natural camouflage for the birds beauty red dress Robin lens on the on the the lettering ground rustic leaves Left behind from the winter along the road comes a precious gray cat he comes prancing ever so free by me I call him he hears and stops to search for me then in a heartbeat great cat vanishes up the trail to frighten to make contact to frighten to make contact return Greg has so we can become friends it's getting late in the afternoon on this midday May the year has a chill I'll go back indoors to the sun worms me once again for tomorrow's day I wait to behold what will unfold

starting over

Today I'm starting over this is a new blog for me again I picked up after a few years so now I'm anxious to use it cuz I have a lot of poetry and things I need to put on to somewhere that will mean a lot to me and I hope to others that find it today is March and it's about 3:00 in the afternoon so I will get back and I'm not having such a bad day but it's still a little too chilly to go out I went out there and I was forced myself to have to force myself because I was cold but I had to force myself to come home and not do what I wanted to do out of the house and not go I didn't go to the foot doctor now I'm going to go call the foot doctor for another appointment all right thank you very much talk to you soon 

January 22 2025

 Today I'm sitting here at Wheat panty.

Bad bad even though  all bad has past. I don't think I'll be bothered to much more as his way is the only way to do life is a hymn an belive hope cherish all of myself. As detachment is going together.  Soon it will blend and be part of a distant thought of family friends enemies of Jesus.

So I faced the bunch of events and it shall be done in God way and father time I am patient and can only tolerate myself in my thought not all the baddies have done to my self and my home.

Ghost appear and my mantel protects me

Have mercy on me forgive my  feelings  of not being included in love. And sister and brother love isn't there a the scream of 666 come through.  I am in your hands and may peace and let it be be done.

Put down the situation and let love rule us.

Lord Praise Your Holi Name

Hello My Friend,
it was yesterday I was here expressing all my deep emotions and they disappeared well today I am here and it is another day and another new set of emotions.. I a so sad being not anything desirable to anyone.. it is terrible.
I thought at this age to be happy and feeling good about myself, looking ok for my age   yet here I am unhappy alone feeling badly looking aweful for my age and alone.
you are far from me Jesus.. I reach out to you but I do not feel like you reach back to me when will you reach out to me?  and help me feel wanted and not alone..
where are you my Lamb..
you did not come to me as a babe in my arms to be with me in my life..
and I hate that..   I begged that and wasn't heard.
and here I am in NC where there is not even GrandParent forster  care..
again I am denied..
you hate me.. 
I am fat and crippled what good am I , so ugly.. I know this can't be fixed..
if it could it would be.. Is that wy you left me alone to hate myself
and be alone sad unhappy cruel  and a bad person... 
please I long to feel your comfort and love again.. 
Praise you my dear spouse.  and thank you... I love you forever mor  Valerie

Prayer of Praise

Today, through the Years

I did not for the life of me know what the Lord had planed for me since last I blogged oh my darling Angels do you see my hurt...
what my life has become?  I do so often wish my life end that there is no use to my life.. but I keep plugging away..
getting nowhere fast..
the I took on top of the epidurals in my back not working my legs getting numb, the inability for my back to an nerve to with stand me I keep  falling  the firemen keep coming to pick me off the floor,  finally I had back surgery which left me still numb needing another surgery..  it has been a year and 5 mons. and I still am not going to get better I have got to accept this but I don't and I am worthless to myself and most of all Paul,  he is stuck in a between a rock and a hard place...
he doesn't know what to create out of our mess.  our love,  our marriage, the home, family, finances,
the daily home chores,
I am tring not to let them all fall on him.. yet a lot more than it does should does..
the landscape is awful.  it mostly nees a lands scaper Pauls back is so bad  we have git to get him an Mri
the medicine isn't doing much good either.. one day at a time sweet Jesus, please pour your healing down on him heal his back gace hiwith love peace and kindness from me and everyone..
thank you